Friday, September 3, 2010

Adam's Perfect Day (and a half)

Originally sent to a group of friends about a year ago, the following details a misogynistic adventure involving money, food, sex, booze, and omnipotent power.  Also, please attempt to keep this bit of humor in its proper context.  It's only a joke.


7:00 AM -- Awake from an evening of slumber, roll out of my custom-made double king size bed and step onto my third story terrace overlooking Harbor Town as I take a moment to appreciate the exceptionally nice weather (68 degrees, 10 mph winds, 0% humidity).

7:15 AM -- Chow down on an assortment of scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, hash browns, waffles with hot maple syrup, a cheese omelet, buttermilk biscuits with gravy, blueberries, strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe, apple juice, orange juice, chocolate milk, and a Flintstones vitamin.

7:45 AM -- Return to master bedroom for coitus with Victoria's Secret supermodel Miranda Kerr.  She thanks me and leaves.

8:15 AM -- Take a 30-minute crap.

9:00 AM -- Fall asleep watching ESPN SportsCenter.

11:00 AM -- Awaken with a sudden desire to visit the Cooper-Young district to engage adherents of Left Wing philosophy.

11:45 AM -- Ride my custom Harley-Davidson V-Rod (Confederate Memorial edition) to CY and proceed to engage Liberals.  This leads to constructive conversation that prompts many to abandon their Far Left roots.

12:30 PM -- Receive a surprise call from [name withheld], who initially stammers, but eventually confesses her long-suppressed love for me despite her recent marriage.  Yet in an effort to take the proverbial high road, I talk [name withheld] out of leaving her husband because, "It's the right thing to do."

1:00 PM -- Take a moment for reflection and shed a tear (just one tear) over perhaps the most lovely woman I have ever known.

1:15 PM -- Receive text that my Gulfstream G550 has arrived from Nashville with Carrie Underwood on board.

1:16 PM -- Inform my people that I wasn't in the mood for another round of sweet love makin', as I was still worn out from layin' The Good Wood on my girl, Miranda Kerr.

1:17 PM -- Gulfstream takes Carrie Underwood back to Nashville.

1:45 PM -- Ride custom Harley to Memphis City Hall, smack the sh-t out of Willie Herenton and tell him to "Get lost already!"

1:50 PM -- Shake hands with A.C. Wharton on the way out, implore him to do better than the last guy.

2:00 PM -- Take a short walk down South Main to the Planters Peanut Shop my grandfather ran for 10 years as I reflect on playing on the 100-lb. peanut bags with my cousins in the back of the decades-old establishment; purchase a small bag of cashews like my grandfather used to bring me.

2:15 PM -- Ride to Confederate Park, leave a thank you note at the Jefferson Davis Memorial.

2:20 PM -- Arrive at Nathan Bedford Forrest Park and kiss the base of the statue in which General Forrest and his wife are interred, just as I did in front of Al Sharpton and a potentially hostile crowd on the afternoon of August 13, 2005.

2:45 PM -- Buy a new Jaguar XJ8 for no reason.

3:15 PM -- Make my usual visit to GNC for MesoTech peanut butter protein bar and grape Ripped Foce energy drink, just as I do around this hour almost every day.

3:30 PM -- Get inspired, make a few phone calls and purchase majority share of the San Francisco 49ers (Win Super Bowl XLV).

4:00 PM -- Read Bible, ask forgiveness for present and future sins.

4:45 PM -- Consume an assortment of fine alcoholic beverages with members of the League at my home in Harbor Town while reminiscing about the good ol' days as Sirius Ch. 35 ("Chill") plays in the background.

5:15 PM -- Receive an impromptu booty call from Megan Fox, which I politely decline until she agrees to gain a few pounds and lose the tattoos.

6:00 PM -- Chow down with The Inner Circle on bayou salmon, grilled chicken and pork tenderloin.  The meal becomes known as "Protein Fest."

6:45 PM -- Upon finishing off the last of Protein Fest with The Inner Circile, which included an unforeseen influx of friends and family members, I experience a sudden urge to visit Las Vegas.

7:00 PM -- Having received word that Carrie Underwood ransacked the interior of my Gulfstream G550 in a fit of rage after being sent home, I arrange to have a customized Airbus A380 prepared for our arrival.

7:15 PM -- Having initially declined my invitation to Protein Fest because of numerous household chores assigned by his wife, Eddie is kidnapped by an elite group of special ops mercenaries.

7:30 PM -- Two Bell 430 helicopters arrive with a band of ruffians from Harbor Town on board.  Hooded and hogtied, Eddie arrives moments later.

8:00 PM -- Specially customized Airbus takes off.  And yes, it took longer to depart than necessary because I refused to board a jet that didn't have my preference of two 72-inch flat-screen high-definition televisions, Bose surround sound w/ tandem connection to satellite radio, leather couches and recliners, a proper assortment of only the finest and most expensive wine, liquor and beer ever assembled, and of course, a stripper pole.

11:30 PM -- Arrive at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas; half the group passed out during the trip, as the drinks and previous meal (Protein Fest) proved too much for them to handle.

11:45 PM -- Enter my Skyloft suite at the MGM Grand.  As the remaining group preps for the evening's festivities, I am given a special bath treatment by an assemblage of bartenders from Coyote Ugly.

12:30 AM -- Chow down on a midnight snack, dessert and more alcoholic delight at Wolfgang Puck, as arrangements were made in advance for the five-star restaurateur to stay open later than usual.

1:15 AM -- Those among the group who passed out earlier -- and thus, were still onboard the Airbus -- awake in time to join the rest of us for more drinking and cavorting at Tabu' inside the MGM Grand.

1:45 AM -- UFC legends Chuck "Iceman" Liddell and Quinton "Rampage" Jackson begin fighting over a woman at Tabu'.  I stop the brawl by flashing the blue-green blade of my lightsaber in between them.  Liddell runs away, Jackson passes out, and the girl (named "Candi") joins our group.

Note: As a Jedi Knight, I chose the blue-green hue of my blade in honor of masters Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

1:46 AM -- Feeling an excessively promiscuous vibe, I tell Candi to get lost.

2:00 AM -- With the group at full strength once again, we arrive at The Sapphire (the world's largest strip club).  Upon giving each man a roll of $2,500, I tell everyone to "Run off and have a good time."

3:00 AM -- Landon is arrested by Sapphire security and charged with disturbing the peace, reckless endangerment, and 14 counts of lewd conduct.  He is never seen again.

3:30 AM -- Eddie is warned by Sapphire security to stop "making it rain."

3:35 AM -- After more than three years of marriage, Eddie finally loses his virginity.

4:15 AM -- The group makes its way back to The Grand for a round of poker, blackjack, and roulette (my personal favorite).

8:00 AM -- In all, the group (now known as "The Twenty") tallies a winning total of about $3.8 million.

9:00 AM -- Receive word that about half the group will be divorced and/or unemployed if they don't return to Memphis immediately.  I arrange to have my cohorts return home while those remaining receive a massage treatment at the Grand Spa & Health Club.

9:45 AM -- With half the group now aboard the Airbus en route to Memphis per the threat of pending unemployment and/or divorce, I take the loyalists in a stretch Hummer limo to check out my new home -- still under construction -- at Red Rock Country Club in nearby Summerlin, NV.

10:15 PM -- After observing my humble abode, a modest 275,000 sq. ft. spread over several acres (rare for a country club set in the desert), Gavin screams "I want one!  I want one, and I want it NOW!"  Gavin regains his composure and tries to act as if his embarrassing cataleptic episode hadn't just occurred.

11:00 PM -- Seeing that Gavin's outburst was partially due to a lack of sleep, the crew and I return to my suite at the MGM Grand for some rest.

11:15 PM -- Because I require very little slumber, I slip out for a beverage at Wet Republic (the MGM Grand's pool area).

11:30 PM -- Become acquainted with several members of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas cheer squad.

11:45 PM -- Turn down their subtle advances, per a lack of hotness.  Believe me on that one.

12:15 PM -- Take my Ferrari 360 Modena for a cruise around the Las Vegas Strip... and beyond.

2:00 PM -- Snack time at GNC.

2:30 PM -- Realizing that most of the guys don't have the luxury of living off the interest of a ten-figure fortune, I decide that returning to Memphis is necessary, however unfortunate.

7:00 PM -- Arrive in the Bluff City.  Everyone cries; "Take me back to Vegas" is repeated almost constantly.

7:30 PM -- Treat the group to a nice meal at Chez Phillippe before retiring to my 12th floor executive suite at The Peabody.

8:00 PM -- As we kick back and reminisce, Nick notices that I have imprints of Trent and Justin's faces on my toilet paper.  Nick leaves in a fit of rage.

9:00 PM -- The last of my friends from this fantastic voyage returns home, leaving me alone to ponder the events of the past 38 hours.  "Helluva time," I thought.  "Helluva time indeed."

9:30 PM -- I return to Harbor Town where I find Carrie Underwood is sitting on my front porch.

"I guess sleep can wait."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Funny shit. Good one.