Monday, July 19, 2010

I now understand women

I can appreciate the way women think, even when the process doesn't make a great deal of sense (insert joke here).  Indeed few things fascinate more than the female psyche, and Esquire's recent list covering 1,000 thoughts from women of every region, ethnicity and age group has provided an endless source of humor and fascination.  These, along with a bit of commentary from yours truly, are the ones that stuck out most:

"When we are truly angry, we go silent.  That is your opportunity to apologize, or run.  Neither will save you."

"Loading the dishes without being asked — it means more than you know."

"We dig on your hot friends.  They make you look hotter.  We want to flirt with them.  We want them to want us.  We won't actually do anything with them.  But they are an unquestionable asset of yours."
{Adam: Ditto.}

"You have the power to make us feel like the only girl in the room.  Use it wisely (and often)."

"It's not that girls don't like nice guys, it's that we can distinguish between genuinely nice and desperate."
{Adam: Perfectly said.}

"We know our orgasms can be difficult.  Just keep at it."

"Sometimes we think we're in love, and then we see your Facebook profile."  

"Buying us a candy bar is a surprising — and effective — gesture.  Who doesn't like a candy bar?"
{Adam: Women who are crazy.}

"A woman has certain spots that are for touching, squeezing, and pushing.  These do not include her buttons."

"Girls like to whine.  It's a fact."
{Adam: Thanks for the confirmation.  Because, really, I had absolutely no idea.}

"When we say we want to share a dessert, we really mean we want you to have just one bite and offer the rest to us.  We were planning on eating the entire lava cake ourselves anyway, but this way we don't feel guilty."
{Adam: The calculation blows my mind.}

"There are two acceptable forms of hair product for you: undetectable and nonexistent."

"We as women want to be independent, but it would be awesome if you could save us some money by paying for everything."

"Things we feel guilty about loving: breakfast at fast food restaurants, songs by Fergie, sparkly shoes."
{Adam: It's hard to believe that "Fergie" is the same girl that used to be my crush on Kids, Inc. back in fourth grade.}  


"We can tell when the gift was purchased at the last minute.  But we still like it."  

"Some of us may feel the need to make up a reason to walk out on you at a crucial moment, just so you can show us you'll come chasing.  Sorry."
{Adam: So if I get yelled at for running after you, I will assume that's a good thing.}  


"A single rose means more on a random Wednesday than two-dozen mean on Valentine's Day."
 
"Phone calls are hard to come by these days.  Surprise us with a call sometime, instead of a text.  We love hearing your voice."
{Adam: I feel a sudden urge to call a girl named Sarah, just to apologize.}  


"Playing with your neighbor/sister/friend's kids in the park is sexy; asking if we want kids on the first date is not."

"Dirty text messages are encouraged.  But two caveats: Don't make them NC-17 if we're at work — we could get caught, and that would be awkward — and don't send them at 9:05 A.M. when we've just walked through the door.  A day full of sexual anticipation is way harder to bear than a few hours."
{Adam: But you appreciate it more.}


"Women love to take pictures.  Sometimes at annoying moments.  That's a fact you just need to accept."
 
"We suck in our stomach every time you see us naked."
{Adam: Thanks for ruining the fantasy.}
 
"Having some female singers on your iPod counts for more than you can imagine."
{Adam: Good.  I have about 15-20 female artists on my iPod.}
 
"We think of code names for men so we can talk about them in public."
{Adam: That explains a lot.}
 
"We want to break the glass ceiling, but we have no problem continuing to break your bank account.  It's kind of funny, isn't it?"
{Adam: Oh yeah, hilarious.}
 
"Please don’t name the following things: your car, your cell phone, and the other thing."
 
"We’ve given up on expecting you to understand the difference between a beach towel, a guest towel, a rag, and a dishtowel."
{Adam: Good.}
 
"Real men unapologetically like classic rock."
{Adam: Amen, sister.}
 
"ZZ Top was right: Knowing how to rock a suit or dress uniform will noticeably increase your sexiness.  We don't know why, but it works.  Ditto with guitars.  Unless, ironically, you look like ZZ Top."
 
"A little thing about sex: It’s better when you don't ask for it."
 

"You find a girl who truly loves watching or playing every sport as much as you do, there's a chance she also loves girls as much as you do.  Just so you know."
 
"If you're in Vegas and you call us to say you aren't at a strip club, we'll believe you.  If we call you ten minutes later to really make sure you aren't at a strip club and you aren't, we'll love you forever.  And we're sorry for being crazy, but not really."
{Adam: It's okay.  I've yet to receive a genuine, heartfelt apology from a woman in my life.}
 
"Just man up and ask us out.  If we bite your head off, we weren’t worth it.  We’d probably at least grab a coffee with you."
{Adam: So Jamie was right after all.}
 
"Be sure to give us regular updates on the progress of your fantasy football team.  Kidding!"
{Adam: Don't hate the player.  Hate the game.}
 
"We pretty much hate you when you order a salad.  That's what we have girlfriends for.  If you diet, we need to diet.  So, when you order a salad, you're essentially calling us fat."
{Adam: That blows my mind.}
 
"We will love you more if you deny the fact that we are crazy."
{Adam: I'll do my best.}
 
"The girl who had a crush on you in the third grade probably still thinks about you once a week.  Okay, twice."
 
"If you try to use any tips you learned on The Pick-Up Artist, you will be called out for it."
{Adam: That's actually refreshing to know.}
 
"When we see you, we immediately think about what you'll look like with your shirt off.  We’re just too timid to say it."
{Adam: Same here, except for the "timid" part.}
 
"When we tell you you look cute, it also means sexy and hot.  Cute is just the go-to word for that.  Take it seriously."
 
"It's fine if you don't like our friends.  What's really important to us is that they like you."
 
"Warm your hands before touching the goods."
{Adam: And how do you propose I do that without looking like a creep?}
 
"You should be able to read our minds at all times."
 
"When you play with my hair, you're actually making love to me.  Did you know that?"
{Adam: So when someone asks about my sexual history, I can now say that I've been with about 35 women and that I lost my virginity in 10th grade.}
 
"Tears?  They're weapons.  We really don't care half the time."
{Adam: And I'm not at all shocked.}
 
"If she tells you to never call her again and hangs up on the phone with you, there is a fifty percent chance your girlfriend will be waiting near her phone for you to call her."
 
"We might like sex even more than you do."
{Adam: Let me guess, it depends on whether or not you have a headache.}
 
"When we tell you that we want to be friends after you break up with us, it's because we think that at some point we will get naked in front of you and reel you back in."
 
"We love it when you put the seat down."
{Adam: I was trained well.}
 
"You might be embarrassed by the sappy comments we leave on your Facebook page, but that's how we mark our territory."
 
"Jewelry?  I'd prefer a vibrator as a gift, thank you very much."
{Adam: You're more than welcome.}
 
"We are manipulative beasts.  Call us on it from time to time, just not all the time."
{Adam: The first sentence is a given, but the second one is complete crap.}
 
"When we're awake, we're always thinking.  Feel free to ask 'What are you thinking?'  We'll always have an answer."
 
"When we're out together, and we see a tall, leggy model, remember: tall, leggy models are not your type."
{Adam: Yes, actually they are.  And don't disturb me while I'm temporarily fixated.}
 
"We've really got our fingers crossed that beer commercials don't represent real men."
{Adam: It depends upon how much we've had to drink.}
 
"If you seek out our eye contact in a crowded place and we smile back at you, take that as a sign to come talk to us.  Sometimes eye contact can be sexier than anything else."
 
"We're sorry that we sometimes forget to label e-mails NSFW.  But honestly, every now and then we do it on purpose."
{Adam: (female dog)}
 
"There is nothing sexier than following through.  If you say you're going to do something, please do it."
{Adam: Again, my apologies to Sarah, wherever she is.}
 
"Don't try to figure out what will make us happy.  We have been trying to get to the bottom of that mystery since the beginning of time and we have no clue either."
{Adam: Good.  I'll stop asking.}

5 comments:

Holly said...

Some of these are really, really accurate and some are really, really dumb. And of course, I suppose some depend on the girl.

AMW said...

But I bet even the really, really dumb statements are really, really accurate nevertheless. Isn't Esquire a wonderful magazine?

Vilges Suola said...

It makes heterosexuality sound like very hard work. I have far more female friends than male, but friendship is as far as it goes.

AMW said...

I don't know about hard work Vilges, but the guessing game hetero males and females play with each other -- which, I'm told is comparable to gay relationships -- is basically perpetual.

Vilges Suola said...

Well, I reckon the guessing games lose their allure as you get older and realise there isn't really a whole lot to guess about.