So, I’m relatively intelligent

I’m told the score falls in the above-average category.

c/o TestYourVocab.com

Sort of hypnotizing

Happy birthday... to me

I entered the world 35 years ago today.  So to commemorate this marvelous occasion, here's a pic from way back during the poor ol' days when I lived in the Raleigh neighborhood of Memphis, Tennessee.

I was a cute kid.  Still am.

It's been one of those weeks

I strive to produce something that's worth at least a few moments of your time with every post.  Yet there are unexpected periods when I'm just...

Guilty Pleasures: Woodchuck Amber

c/o Healthy and Sane

I'm not what you would call a drinker.  Sure, I was a lightweight "social drinker" during my early 20s amid most of my undergraduate days at the University of Memphis.  But it wasn't until I discovered one beverage in particular, barely a year ago, that my pious sensitivity concerning alcohol would face a mandatory overhaul.

Being of the Southern Baptist tradition means eschewing secular entrapments that frequently lead to a path that nobody ever intends to take.  Although I've made my share of idiotic gaffes from which a wealth of knowledge has been brutally acquired, the requisite trials of life have, on occasion, steered me toward several pleasant twists of fate.

One momentous evening, almost by accident (for lack of a better way of describing it), I took a sip of something called Woodchuck Draft Cider.  A few minutes later, I was enthusiastically on to my second ice cold bottle of the Amber-flavored beverage.  I've been a devotee of the Vermont-based independent brewery ever since.

These fine northeasterners include a list of "mixables" on their website; a list of suggestions intended to enhance one's Woodchuck experience by which my own unpretentious concoction ultimately evolved.  The recipe for those interested, which I have branded Amber Max, is as follows:

Step 1 – Allow a bottle of Woodchuck to chill in the refrigerator for 24 hours.
Step 2 – When ready to consume, place said bottle in the freezer for an additional 15-20 minutes.
Step 3 – Remove from freezer when liquid is partially frozen.
Step 4 – Pour half the contents, which should be somewhat slushed, into a glass.
Step 5 – Take a Pepsi Max from the fridge and pour half the contents into the aforementioned glass.
Step 6 – Repeat steps 4 & 5 until both swills combine into one brew.
Step 7 – Drink, enjoy, and thank me later.

Because the Woodchuck is partially frozen, you will notice the carbonated drink does not mix thoroughly at first, which is why Step 6 is crucial.  So be sure to follow the seven-step process methodically for maximum enjoyment.

Some people drink for the sole purpose of getting trashed, but not me.  In fact my preferences have never been hardcore.  I simply don't find most beverages that flavorsome.  But this one is.  Indeed I think I might've created a new classic.

Excellent point

Whoever came up with this graphic is worthy of a MacArthur Fellowship:

Another good question

I'm not what you would call a "drinker," but Memphis area radio station Rock 103 has asked men a simple, yet thought-provoking question regarding an issue that may, at some point in your life, demand an answer:

A good question

For years, the Who Are These Guys? blog has been dedicated to uncovering the identity of these five ultra-cool individuals.  Although unsuccessful thus far, I remain hopeful that at least one of the above-pictured will come forth at some point in the future so I can finally move on with my life.  Any legitimate inquiries or positive identification(s) should be sent to the WATG? blog immediately.

Sunday's Quote: Fantasy Football

Photo from TwinCitiesDailyPhoto.com

Upwards of 20 million men (and women in some cases) gather around this time every August to grind over the available options for their respective fantasy football team.  And yes, The Eccentric Conservative is no exception.

Just a couple of hours ago I drafted (left, not an actual shot from my draft night) perhaps the most dominating team in fantasy football history.  Of course I say that every year, and I haven't won a championship since 2002 -- although my franchise has made three trips to the title game.  But this season will be different.

Yes, I can feel it.  Back off and bow down, boy.  May as well engrave my name on the Hipner Trophy now.  Victory will be mine.  All mine, damn it!

"Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-- Joe Theismann, former National Football League MVP and Super Bowl-winning quarterback for the Washington Redskins ('74-'85)

"...so I can do my issues"

I'm afraid this is real.  Don't vote for Basil in the Tennessee gubernatorial primary, but here's his two minute campaign advertisement anyway:

I now understand women

I can appreciate the way women think, even when the process doesn't make a great deal of sense (insert joke here).  Indeed few things fascinate more than the female psyche, and Esquire's recent list covering 1,000 thoughts from women of every region, ethnicity and age group has provided an endless source of humor and fascination.  These, along with a bit of commentary from yours truly, are the ones that stuck out most:

"When we are truly angry, we go silent.  That is your opportunity to apologize, or run.  Neither will save you."

"Loading the dishes without being asked — it means more than you know."

"We dig on your hot friends.  They make you look hotter.  We want to flirt with them.  We want them to want us.  We won't actually do anything with them.  But they are an unquestionable asset of yours."
{Adam: Ditto.}

"You have the power to make us feel like the only girl in the room.  Use it wisely (and often)."

"It's not that girls don't like nice guys, it's that we can distinguish between genuinely nice and desperate."
{Adam: Perfectly said.}

"We know our orgasms can be difficult.  Just keep at it."

"Sometimes we think we're in love, and then we see your Facebook profile."  

"Buying us a candy bar is a surprising — and effective — gesture.  Who doesn't like a candy bar?"
{Adam: Women who are crazy.}

"A woman has certain spots that are for touching, squeezing, and pushing.  These do not include her buttons."

"Girls like to whine.  It's a fact."
{Adam: Thanks for the confirmation.  Because, really, I had absolutely no idea.}

"When we say we want to share a dessert, we really mean we want you to have just one bite and offer the rest to us.  We were planning on eating the entire lava cake ourselves anyway, but this way we don't feel guilty."
{Adam: The calculation blows my mind.}

"There are two acceptable forms of hair product for you: undetectable and nonexistent."

"We as women want to be independent, but it would be awesome if you could save us some money by paying for everything."

"Things we feel guilty about loving: breakfast at fast food restaurants, songs by Fergie, sparkly shoes."
{Adam: It's hard to believe that "Fergie" is the same girl that used to be my crush on Kids, Inc. back in fourth grade.}  

"We can tell when the gift was purchased at the last minute.  But we still like it."  

"Some of us may feel the need to make up a reason to walk out on you at a crucial moment, just so you can show us you'll come chasing.  Sorry."
{Adam: So if I get yelled at for running after you, I will assume that's a good thing.}  

"A single rose means more on a random Wednesday than two-dozen mean on Valentine's Day."
 

"Phone calls are hard to come by these days.  Surprise us with a call sometime, instead of a text.  We love hearing your voice."
{Adam: I feel a sudden urge to call a girl named Sarah, just to apologize.}  

"Playing with your neighbor/sister/friend's kids in the park is sexy; asking if we want kids on the first date is not."

"Dirty text messages are encouraged.  But two caveats: Don't make them NC-17 if we're at work — we could get caught, and that would be awkward — and don't send them at 9:05 A.M. when we've just walked through the door.  A day full of sexual anticipation is way harder to bear than a few hours."
{Adam: But you appreciate it more.}

"Women love to take pictures.  Sometimes at annoying moments.  That's a fact you just need to accept."
 

"We suck in our stomach every time you see us naked."
{Adam: Thanks for ruining the fantasy.}
 

"Having some female singers on your iPod counts for more than you can imagine."
{Adam: Good.  I have about 15-20 female artists on my iPod.}
 

"We think of code names for men so we can talk about them in public."
{Adam: That explains a lot.}
 

"We want to break the glass ceiling, but we have no problem continuing to break your bank account.  It's kind of funny, isn't it?"
{Adam: Oh yeah, hilarious.}
 

"Please don’t name the following things: your car, your cell phone, and the other thing."
 

"We’ve given up on expecting you to understand the difference between a beach towel, a guest towel, a rag, and a dishtowel."
{Adam: Good.}
 

"Real men unapologetically like classic rock."

{Adam: Amen, sister.}
 

"ZZ Top was right: Knowing how to rock a suit or dress uniform will noticeably increase your sexiness.  We don't know why, but it works.  Ditto with guitars.  Unless, ironically, you look like ZZ Top."
 

"A little thing about sex: It’s better when you don't ask for it."
 
"You find a girl who truly loves watching or playing every sport as much as you do, there's a chance she also loves girls as much as you do.  Just so you know."
 

"If you're in Vegas and you call us to say you aren't at a strip club, we'll believe you.  If we call you ten minutes later to really make sure you aren't at a strip club and you aren't, we'll love you forever.  And we're sorry for being crazy, but not really."
{Adam: It's okay.  I've yet to receive a genuine, heartfelt apology from a woman in my life.}
 

"Just man up and ask us out.  If we bite your head off, we weren’t worth it.  We’d probably at least grab a coffee with you."
{Adam: So Jamie was right after all.}
 

"Be sure to give us regular updates on the progress of your fantasy football team.  Kidding!"
{Adam: Don't hate the player.  Hate the game.}
 

"We pretty much hate you when you order a salad.  That's what we have girlfriends for.  If you diet, we need to diet.  So, when you order a salad, you're essentially calling us fat."
{Adam: That blows my mind.}
 

"We will love you more if you deny the fact that we are crazy."
{Adam: I'll do my best.}
 

"The girl who had a crush on you in the third grade probably still thinks about you once a week.  Okay, twice."
 

"If you try to use any tips you learned on The Pick-Up Artist, you will be called out for it."
{Adam: That's actually refreshing to know.}
 

"When we see you, we immediately think about what you'll look like with your shirt off.  We’re just too timid to say it."
{Adam: Same here, except for the "timid" part.}
 

"When we tell you you look cute, it also means sexy and hot.  Cute is just the go-to word for that.  Take it seriously."
 

"It's fine if you don't like our friends.  What's really important to us is that they like you."
 

"Warm your hands before touching the goods."
{Adam: And how do you propose I do that without looking like a creep?}
 

"You should be able to read our minds at all times."
 

"When you play with my hair, you're actually making love to me.  Did you know that?"
{Adam: So when someone asks about my sexual history, I can now say that I've been with about 35 women and that I lost my virginity in 10th grade.}
 

"Tears?  They're weapons.  We really don't care half the time."
{Adam: And I'm not at all shocked.}
 

"If she tells you to never call her again and hangs up on the phone with you, there is a fifty percent chance your girlfriend will be waiting near her phone for you to call her."
 

"We might like sex even more than you do."
{Adam: Let me guess, it depends on whether or not you have a headache.}
 

"When we tell you that we want to be friends after you break up with us, it's because we think that at some point we will get naked in front of you and reel you back in."
 

"We love it when you put the seat down."
{Adam: I was trained well.}
 

"You might be embarrassed by the sappy comments we leave on your Facebook page, but that's how we mark our territory."
 

"Jewelry?  I'd prefer a vibrator as a gift, thank you very much."
{Adam: You're more than welcome.}
 

"We are manipulative beasts.  Call us on it from time to time, just not all the time."
{Adam: The first sentence is a given, but the second one is complete crap.}
 

"When we're awake, we're always thinking.  Feel free to ask 'What are you thinking?'  We'll always have an answer."
 

"When we're out together, and we see a tall, leggy model, remember: tall, leggy models are not your type."
{Adam: Yes, actually they are.  And don't disturb me while I'm temporarily fixated.}
 

"We've really got our fingers crossed that beer commercials don't represent real men."
{Adam: It depends upon how much we've had to drink.}
 

"If you seek out our eye contact in a crowded place and we smile back at you, take that as a sign to come talk to us.  Sometimes eye contact can be sexier than anything else."
 

"We're sorry that we sometimes forget to label e-mails NSFW.  But honestly, every now and then we do it on purpose."
{Adam: (female dog)}
 

"There is nothing sexier than following through.  If you say you're going to do something, please do it."
{Adam: Again, my apologies to Sarah, wherever she is.}
 

"Don't try to figure out what will make us happy.  We have been trying to get to the bottom of that mystery since the beginning of time and we have no clue either."
{Adam: Good.  I'll stop asking.}

Just Thinking Out Loud: A different path

With all four branches of the military represented in my immediate family, the affinity I have felt since childhood for the Navy exceeds all others.  Following in the footsteps of my grandfather (a Captain) and my mother (a Lieutenant Commander) almost certainly would have been a good move.  At the very least, a tour or two would have kept me from ending up at The Place Where Hope Goes to Die.

(F-bomb.)

Sunday's Quote: Carpe noctem

I've been something of a night owl since my earliest days of college when I was allowed (per my "legal adult" status) to stay up past 10:00 p.m. for the first time.  Sheltered child or not, my new found freedom quickly became an abused privilege.

By age 20, the oncoming threat of an early class at Fogelman with an instructor who had less than a full grasp of our native tongue never once stopped me from staying out past 3:00 a.m. during the week.  So I suppose it's little wonder that my occupation over the previous five years doesn't get started until well after the Sun has set.

Entrained circadian rhythms became the main side effect of many late nights and early mornings that go back nearly a decade and a half.  Yet the opportunity afforded by these odd hours, if only to think and process a considerable variety of thoughts, has proven a blessing in disguise that has led, in part, to posts like the one being read right now.

Even when not at work, maintaining these hours in my personal life also allows for the embellishment of an increasing desire for aloneness.  Although I am anything but a hermit, I have become, nevertheless, an undependable social commitment with those for whom I was once automatic.  Instead of showing up as expected, I am now more likely to jump in my ride with a fully charged iPod and drive for hours, oftentimes ending up in different counties and even States (Arkansas and Mississippi).  Perhaps the quotes below explain why.

"When from our better selves we have too long
Been parted by the hurrying world, and droop,
Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired,
How gracious, how benign is Solitude."
-- from the fourth chapter of William Wordsworth's "The Prelude"

"Solitude offers a double advantage to the thinker: the first in being with himself, the second in not being with others."
-- François-Marie Arouet (1694-1778), French writer and philosopher better known by the pen name, Voltaire

Seize the night indeed.

("Unsilent Night" © Dallas Observer, December 2009)

Iconic Shot: When it's love, it lasts forever

Despite an age gap of more than 60 years, billionaire oil tycoon James Howard Marshall II married former stripper and Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith on June 27, 1994.  Marshall died 13 months later.

Ironically the battle waged between Marshall's eldest son, Everett Pierce Marshall, and the widowed Anna Nicole Smith for the Marshall patriarch's $1.6 billion estate remains unresolved, to this day, despite the unexpected deaths of both Marshall's son (d. 2006) and Anna Nicole Smith (d. 2007) herself.

I hope they're just kidding around...

A lovable group of Jackass(es)

The third installment of the Jackass movie franchise, tenatively entitled Jackass 3D, was scheduled to begin filming today with a theater release targeted for October 15.

Perhaps this should fall under the "Guilty Pleasures" label, but the hell these lunatics endure just to make us laugh, and themselves wealthy -- the first two movies' combined domestic take exceeded $164 million on smallish production budgets -- is worthy of note for doing things that would never enter my mind.  Hopefully nobody dies.

Just Thinking Out Loud: Tiger

Only in America is it not enough to be married to a Swedish bikini model.  Way to go, Eldrick.