Picked from the ‘net, Vol. III

Original sources are unknown unless otherwise stated.

Very true



Original source unknown

Just Thinking Out Loud: The hot chick paradox

c/o The Daily Caller

I suppose being married to the lovely Ms. Kardashian isn’t the worst way to spend 72 days. Yet her every move, at least publically, corroborates an old adage for which there is almost no exception – the most visually appealing will also be among the most ceaselessly challenging. Enter her arena at your own risk.

On This Day in History: A fascinating day

One of my least favorite pictures. Ever.

1527 – In an event generally considered to mark the end of the Roman Renaissance, Rome is sacked by Spanish and German troops aligned with the Holy Roman Empire amid the War of the League of Cognac (1526-1530).  Nearly 150 Swiss Guards died fighting the forces of Emperor Charles V in order to allow Pope Clement VII to escape.  To commemorate the bravery of the Swiss Guards, new recruits are sworn in every year on May 6.

1861 – Arkansas secedes from the Union on the same day Richmond, Virginia is declared the new capital of the Confederate States of America.

1863 – Outnumbered by nearly 73,000 soldiers, General Robert E. Lee and Lt. General Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson lead the South to victory over the Army of the Potomac in the final day of the Battle of Chancellorsville in northern Virginia.

1889 – The Eiffel Tower is officially opened to the public at the Universal Exposition in Paris.

1937 – The German zeppelin Hindenburg (pictured) catches fire and is destroyed within a minute while attempting to dock at Lakehurst Naval Air Station in Manchester Township, New Jersey.  The 12-story blimp was over 800-ft. in length and filled with seven million cubic feet of pure hydrogen.  Thirty-six people were killed in the incident, and why the airship ignited into flames remains a mystery to this day.

1940 – John Steinbeck is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for The Grapes of Wrath.

1941 – Bob Hope performs the first of his nearly 200 USO shows at March Field Army Air Corps base in Riverside, California.

1954 – Roger Bannister becomes the first person to run a sub-four-minute mile at Iffley Road Track in Oxford, England.

1984 – Having suffered religious persecution throughout the 19th century, Pope John Paul II canonized 103 Korean Martyrs in Seoul, South Korea.

2000 – I was 15 minutes late picking up a girl named Sarah for our first date.  Of the girls who have been in and out of my life, this little golden-haired cutie is the one who sticks out in memory the most.  In the end, I was only successful in turning her affection for me inside out because of what I could not do.

As I once wrote, years ago, about our first evening together...

"I knew that look on her old man's face.  Most fathers go through it at least once or twice.  I imagine it's similar to how an accomplished violinist would feel about handing a Stradivarius over to an unruly ape."

I hope Sarah is doing well, wherever she is.

Initially published 5/6/10 and republished with a few minor revisions; most information obtained via Wikipedia and confirmed through various sources.

Excellent point

Whoever came up with this graphic is worthy of a MacArthur Fellowship:

Sundays' Quote: Reinventing the steal

Everything came to a head five years ago today.  To summarize a brutally long story -- one that required 17 pages to explain adequately -- I spent almost a year writing a 200-page screenplay for a group of people I had known since 1982, only for it to be stolen by the very individuals who introduced me to the project.  Needless to say, I was irate.  You already have a good idea of how pissed I was if you've heard the infamous Mel Gibson tapes.

Durwood Fincher could not have spun half as well as they did.  The men of that family have no conscience.

I must've written one helluva script because these people, for whom I exhibited more respect and trust than they ever deserved, went above and beyond to keep the whereabouts of my work a closely guarded secret, which was compounded by a network of Pavlovian dogs -- my closest confidant included, much to my chagrin -- who evidently refused to believe that such a Stepford family would commit this unnerving act.  Yet because infinitely worse tragedies occur everyday, I will abstain from rambling any further.  My only advice: don't be shocked by anything that anyone does, ever.

"The bands of the wicked have robbed me: but I have not forgotten thy law."
-- Psalm 119:61, KJV

Illegitimi non carborundum

I now understand women

I can appreciate the way women think, even when the process doesn't make a great deal of sense (insert joke here).  Indeed few things fascinate more than the female psyche, and Esquire's recent list covering 1,000 thoughts from women of every region, ethnicity and age group has provided an endless source of humor and fascination.  These, along with a bit of commentary from yours truly, are the ones that stuck out most:

"When we are truly angry, we go silent.  That is your opportunity to apologize, or run.  Neither will save you."

"Loading the dishes without being asked — it means more than you know."

"We dig on your hot friends.  They make you look hotter.  We want to flirt with them.  We want them to want us.  We won't actually do anything with them.  But they are an unquestionable asset of yours."
{Adam: Ditto.}

"You have the power to make us feel like the only girl in the room.  Use it wisely (and often)."

"It's not that girls don't like nice guys, it's that we can distinguish between genuinely nice and desperate."
{Adam: Perfectly said.}

"We know our orgasms can be difficult.  Just keep at it."

"Sometimes we think we're in love, and then we see your Facebook profile."  

"Buying us a candy bar is a surprising — and effective — gesture.  Who doesn't like a candy bar?"
{Adam: Women who are crazy.}

"A woman has certain spots that are for touching, squeezing, and pushing.  These do not include her buttons."

"Girls like to whine.  It's a fact."
{Adam: Thanks for the confirmation.  Because, really, I had absolutely no idea.}

"When we say we want to share a dessert, we really mean we want you to have just one bite and offer the rest to us.  We were planning on eating the entire lava cake ourselves anyway, but this way we don't feel guilty."
{Adam: The calculation blows my mind.}

"There are two acceptable forms of hair product for you: undetectable and nonexistent."

"We as women want to be independent, but it would be awesome if you could save us some money by paying for everything."

"Things we feel guilty about loving: breakfast at fast food restaurants, songs by Fergie, sparkly shoes."
{Adam: It's hard to believe that "Fergie" is the same girl that used to be my crush on Kids, Inc. back in fourth grade.}  

"We can tell when the gift was purchased at the last minute.  But we still like it."  

"Some of us may feel the need to make up a reason to walk out on you at a crucial moment, just so you can show us you'll come chasing.  Sorry."
{Adam: So if I get yelled at for running after you, I will assume that's a good thing.}  

"A single rose means more on a random Wednesday than two-dozen mean on Valentine's Day."
 

"Phone calls are hard to come by these days.  Surprise us with a call sometime, instead of a text.  We love hearing your voice."
{Adam: I feel a sudden urge to call a girl named Sarah, just to apologize.}  

"Playing with your neighbor/sister/friend's kids in the park is sexy; asking if we want kids on the first date is not."

"Dirty text messages are encouraged.  But two caveats: Don't make them NC-17 if we're at work — we could get caught, and that would be awkward — and don't send them at 9:05 A.M. when we've just walked through the door.  A day full of sexual anticipation is way harder to bear than a few hours."
{Adam: But you appreciate it more.}

"Women love to take pictures.  Sometimes at annoying moments.  That's a fact you just need to accept."
 

"We suck in our stomach every time you see us naked."
{Adam: Thanks for ruining the fantasy.}
 

"Having some female singers on your iPod counts for more than you can imagine."
{Adam: Good.  I have about 15-20 female artists on my iPod.}
 

"We think of code names for men so we can talk about them in public."
{Adam: That explains a lot.}
 

"We want to break the glass ceiling, but we have no problem continuing to break your bank account.  It's kind of funny, isn't it?"
{Adam: Oh yeah, hilarious.}
 

"Please don’t name the following things: your car, your cell phone, and the other thing."
 

"We’ve given up on expecting you to understand the difference between a beach towel, a guest towel, a rag, and a dishtowel."
{Adam: Good.}
 

"Real men unapologetically like classic rock."

{Adam: Amen, sister.}
 

"ZZ Top was right: Knowing how to rock a suit or dress uniform will noticeably increase your sexiness.  We don't know why, but it works.  Ditto with guitars.  Unless, ironically, you look like ZZ Top."
 

"A little thing about sex: It’s better when you don't ask for it."
 
"You find a girl who truly loves watching or playing every sport as much as you do, there's a chance she also loves girls as much as you do.  Just so you know."
 

"If you're in Vegas and you call us to say you aren't at a strip club, we'll believe you.  If we call you ten minutes later to really make sure you aren't at a strip club and you aren't, we'll love you forever.  And we're sorry for being crazy, but not really."
{Adam: It's okay.  I've yet to receive a genuine, heartfelt apology from a woman in my life.}
 

"Just man up and ask us out.  If we bite your head off, we weren’t worth it.  We’d probably at least grab a coffee with you."
{Adam: So Jamie was right after all.}
 

"Be sure to give us regular updates on the progress of your fantasy football team.  Kidding!"
{Adam: Don't hate the player.  Hate the game.}
 

"We pretty much hate you when you order a salad.  That's what we have girlfriends for.  If you diet, we need to diet.  So, when you order a salad, you're essentially calling us fat."
{Adam: That blows my mind.}
 

"We will love you more if you deny the fact that we are crazy."
{Adam: I'll do my best.}
 

"The girl who had a crush on you in the third grade probably still thinks about you once a week.  Okay, twice."
 

"If you try to use any tips you learned on The Pick-Up Artist, you will be called out for it."
{Adam: That's actually refreshing to know.}
 

"When we see you, we immediately think about what you'll look like with your shirt off.  We’re just too timid to say it."
{Adam: Same here, except for the "timid" part.}
 

"When we tell you you look cute, it also means sexy and hot.  Cute is just the go-to word for that.  Take it seriously."
 

"It's fine if you don't like our friends.  What's really important to us is that they like you."
 

"Warm your hands before touching the goods."
{Adam: And how do you propose I do that without looking like a creep?}
 

"You should be able to read our minds at all times."
 

"When you play with my hair, you're actually making love to me.  Did you know that?"
{Adam: So when someone asks about my sexual history, I can now say that I've been with about 35 women and that I lost my virginity in 10th grade.}
 

"Tears?  They're weapons.  We really don't care half the time."
{Adam: And I'm not at all shocked.}
 

"If she tells you to never call her again and hangs up on the phone with you, there is a fifty percent chance your girlfriend will be waiting near her phone for you to call her."
 

"We might like sex even more than you do."
{Adam: Let me guess, it depends on whether or not you have a headache.}
 

"When we tell you that we want to be friends after you break up with us, it's because we think that at some point we will get naked in front of you and reel you back in."
 

"We love it when you put the seat down."
{Adam: I was trained well.}
 

"You might be embarrassed by the sappy comments we leave on your Facebook page, but that's how we mark our territory."
 

"Jewelry?  I'd prefer a vibrator as a gift, thank you very much."
{Adam: You're more than welcome.}
 

"We are manipulative beasts.  Call us on it from time to time, just not all the time."
{Adam: The first sentence is a given, but the second one is complete crap.}
 

"When we're awake, we're always thinking.  Feel free to ask 'What are you thinking?'  We'll always have an answer."
 

"When we're out together, and we see a tall, leggy model, remember: tall, leggy models are not your type."
{Adam: Yes, actually they are.  And don't disturb me while I'm temporarily fixated.}
 

"We've really got our fingers crossed that beer commercials don't represent real men."
{Adam: It depends upon how much we've had to drink.}
 

"If you seek out our eye contact in a crowded place and we smile back at you, take that as a sign to come talk to us.  Sometimes eye contact can be sexier than anything else."
 

"We're sorry that we sometimes forget to label e-mails NSFW.  But honestly, every now and then we do it on purpose."
{Adam: (female dog)}
 

"There is nothing sexier than following through.  If you say you're going to do something, please do it."
{Adam: Again, my apologies to Sarah, wherever she is.}
 

"Don't try to figure out what will make us happy.  We have been trying to get to the bottom of that mystery since the beginning of time and we have no clue either."
{Adam: Good.  I'll stop asking.}

A little bit of sexism (and a whole lot of truth)

A short story called "The Husband Store" was recently brought to my attention.  The author is unknown, and although he or she is clearly an epic thinker, I have taken the liberty of cleaning it up just a bit.  Enjoy --

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store only once.  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman -- we'll call her Herodias -- goes to the Husband Store to find a man.  On the first floor the sign reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

Herodias is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs & Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."  So Herodias continues upward.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, & Are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

Herodias goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Extremely Good Looking & Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, Herodias goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Extremely Good Looking, Help with Housework, & Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is tempted to stay, but goes to the sixth floor anyway, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.  The first floor has Wives that Love Sex.  The second floor has Wives that Love Sex, Have Money & Like Beer.  The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

What isn't "eccentric"?

Sebastian Horsley (left), the eldest son of the late British food magnate Nicholas Horsley, died on June 17 from a heroin overdose.  He was 47-years-old.

Known for an upbringing filled with "atheism, alcoholism and insanity," Horsley was an artist, a self-described "Dandy" fashioned in the mold of Lord Byron and Oscar Wilde who is probably best known for his failed, and nearly fatal, crucifixion attempt in the Philippines 10 years ago to prepare, as he put it, for a series of paintings on the subject.

Fame, in an odd twist, did not bring a great deal of wealth.  He often complained of being broke, with most of his money being spent on drugs and prostitutes while squandering the rest.

"Eccentric," from what I found, is the term used most often to describe this destitute character.  While one could argue that it describes him perfectly, I find little eccentricity in such a tragic figure whose odd fixation with human skulls, prostitutes, and especially alcohol and narcotics ultimately led to his demise.

There is nothing eccentric about self-destruction.  Horsley was a lost soul and social iconoclast who never found what he was looking for.  Yet wherever his spirit may roam, we can only hope that Sebastian Horsley is now at peace.

When the time comes

My grandmother died 13 years ago today.  She was 65.  A friend at work died two days ago.  He was 30.

Grandma battled multiple myeloma for three years, but she battled me for the first 20 years of my life.  I'm sure she meant well.  My friend, Scott, on the other hand, was more or less his own worst enemy.

Enablers notwithstanding, Scott was morbidly obese.  His 6'3" frame barely supported his weight, which, as best as his colleagues and I could tell, topped 400 lb.  All efforts to persuade Scott into being more proactive with his health only revealed a level of denial I've rarely encountered.  It stopped being funny long ago.

He had an excuse for everything.  Defeatism is a killer.  Nobody should die of a heart attack at age 30.

The Ancients are right: life is but a vapor.  And when it's over, that's it.  Today is a gift, and tomorrow is guaranteed to no one.

Iconic Shot: When it's love, it lasts forever

Despite an age gap of more than 60 years, billionaire oil tycoon James Howard Marshall II married former stripper and Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith on June 27, 1994.  Marshall died 13 months later.

Ironically the battle waged between Marshall's eldest son, Everett Pierce Marshall, and the widowed Anna Nicole Smith for the Marshall patriarch's $1.6 billion estate remains unresolved, to this day, despite the unexpected deaths of both Marshall's son (d. 2006) and Anna Nicole Smith (d. 2007) herself.

Matters of the heart

I remember certain dates reasonably well. Notable birthdays and anniversaries don’t often escape memory. Such is the case on this particular day, as it marks the observance of my first evening with a golden-haired beauty from the not-so-distant past -- for whom I was 15 minutes late picking her up -- and it is in Sarah’s honor that I write the following post (because I’m largely responsible for dropping the proverbial ball).

Christians often cite the qualities of a "Proverbs 31 woman," but we frequently overlook the concurrent virtues listed in 1 Peter 3:3-4 [NIV], which reads as follows: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight."

Indeed, and purely for the record, there is a certain raven-haired (and recently engaged) beauty for whom I will always be reminded each time the above-mentioned verse is referenced. That special, almost undefinable feeling she so effortlessly sent through me just by entering the room is something I won't experience again anytime soon.

In essence, I never liked this peerless lady (whom I’ve purposely not identified) because she’s pretty; I relished this lovely woman because of her heart. The mere sound of her voice is poetry and I may never encounter her equal. For all the women I've come across over the years, her impact upon me is altogether unmatched.

On an equally personal note, I’ve never been with someone just for the sake of "being" with someone. If it doesn’t mean something, it basically means nothing, and too many people I know are hellbent on finding some unsuspecting soul who might unwittingly take on the sizable responsibility of mending a broken heart and mind.

Thus, because I prefer to mope on my own instead of dumping on someone I might genuinely care for, I endeavor instead to avoid dysfunctional co-dependence. No matter how attractive she is, I just don't have it in me to let her in if she doesn't speak to my heart.

Socially, I have witnessed a tragic and growing overemphasis on external appeal over the years and an almost complete lack of emphasis on the inner kind of beauty that doesn’t evanesce with time. It is one of the most neglected personal issues one can face without fully realizing it.

I'm still learning how to be a man, but if I could offer a suggestion to any young woman who reads this, I implore the following: You can attract a man with your looks, but it’s better to make him love you because of your heart. It is the best kind of beauty you have.